This morning, a dear friend on her blog posted the question of what would you want God to let you know today. Several questions that sounded alot like accusations flashed through my brain. "Why" was not a good word for me to start my question with today. When I pushed through the shell of stupid indignation to the brokenness encased within me, the real questions floated up pretty easily.
"God, is my suffering for my own sake, or is it doing any good for anyone else?"
My thought was that if I suffered for my own sake, God could just keep it. I know "comfortable" is not exactly what I should be striving for, but it looks pretty good at the moment.
Immediately on the heels of that thought came the answer, to both questions, "Of course not." God's not using my suffering for my or anyone else's benefit at the moment, because I'm not letting him. I'm hoarding it, enshrouded in it, closed off.
I'm not using it as an opportunity to draw closer to God, to rely on His strength, to lean not on my own understanding, to grow, trust, have faith, learn, surrender, obey...
I believe that as the Body of Christ, we're all in this together--that I have a responsibility to let God use me to touch the lives of others with His love and care. I'm not doing so hot on that lately. I can see where I should be--even how to get there--but I won't open the little crack that will allow God to flood me with the grace I need.
Dumb, huh? It seems like it would be so easy. I float in my bubble of despair with God lapping against the walls I have erected. If I look out, I can see the eddies of His entreaties swirling against my barriers: this friend's overture, that scripture floating up unbidden, for goodness sake, my book is about this very problem, and it calls to me to release it from my mind and let it go out into the world for the sake of others.
Why in the world don't I want to?
I feel compelled to end this with some ray of hope. Hmmm. Well, at least I've written about it now. Maybe that's a step in the right direction?
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
When One Door Closes...
Well, that which I most dreaded has come to pass. I'll get over it, but sometimes I wish God wasn't so generous in granting me opportunities to have to rely totally on Him since there is no way I could handle something on my own. I plan, and God laughs. :-p I'm considering getting Romans 12:1 tattooed somewhere I can read it often. More to come on this subject later.
In the good news category: Mindflights has accepted my short story "Insanity Purple" for publication. It should be published sometime in the next 18 months... My acceptance to submission ratio has jumped from 0/1 to 1/2. I'm pretty happy with that.
I started a bellydance class at the community center with my sister tonight. It was fun. I'm going to be sore--forget that, I'm already sore--but exercise is good.
It was a bad weekend, but the week is starting to look better...
In the good news category: Mindflights has accepted my short story "Insanity Purple" for publication. It should be published sometime in the next 18 months... My acceptance to submission ratio has jumped from 0/1 to 1/2. I'm pretty happy with that.
I started a bellydance class at the community center with my sister tonight. It was fun. I'm going to be sore--forget that, I'm already sore--but exercise is good.
It was a bad weekend, but the week is starting to look better...
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Sigh.
There’s a self-destructive tendency that lurks beneath my pain.
It whispers that it’s futile to seek shelter from the rain,
To plug the holes my hope leaks out as I spiral toward the drain.
To strive to leave the lowest places where life has left me lain.
Why, oh Lord, this wall that I must push through just to pray?
Why, oh Lord, this rain when I so need a sunny day?
Why, my Lord, if I follow you and try to do just as you say,
Why does this path You lead me on seem to be the hardest way?
What’s that? A voice? Within my heart, reaching through my vale of tears?
“My child, my own, I am here. Let my hold you through your fears.”
A tiny bit of fog lifts, drifts away and clears.
Yet the questions still remain even as the Answer nears.
I know if I let go, I’ll land
Safe within the Father’s hands
But I withhold myself with ransom demands,
I beg compliance with my manmade plans.
Those who love me, pray for me, for I find myself so weak.
I’ll not capsize, but go down slow--a hole, a wound, a leak.
If you know the words to aid surrender, please, I beg you speak.
Sometimes it’s tough to be brave enough to go forward being meek.
It whispers that it’s futile to seek shelter from the rain,
To plug the holes my hope leaks out as I spiral toward the drain.
To strive to leave the lowest places where life has left me lain.
Why, oh Lord, this wall that I must push through just to pray?
Why, oh Lord, this rain when I so need a sunny day?
Why, my Lord, if I follow you and try to do just as you say,
Why does this path You lead me on seem to be the hardest way?
What’s that? A voice? Within my heart, reaching through my vale of tears?
“My child, my own, I am here. Let my hold you through your fears.”
A tiny bit of fog lifts, drifts away and clears.
Yet the questions still remain even as the Answer nears.
I know if I let go, I’ll land
Safe within the Father’s hands
But I withhold myself with ransom demands,
I beg compliance with my manmade plans.
Those who love me, pray for me, for I find myself so weak.
I’ll not capsize, but go down slow--a hole, a wound, a leak.
If you know the words to aid surrender, please, I beg you speak.
Sometimes it’s tough to be brave enough to go forward being meek.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Jellybeans for breakfast
Hey, this is somewhat long but rather good--a going away speech by a Methodist preacher.
http://www.duncanumc.com/documents/05-11-08.pdf
A good reminder not to be a lone ranger, which I've fallen into again over the long, dark winter.
You find all sorts of good things while researching (letter of commendation+medieval) for a book. I hope to hit the 40,000 word mark today, so I better get back to work.
Quick cute-kid tidbit: I was trying to throw away some of the over-abundance of Easter candy, but Jett found it before the trash went out. He pulled a jelly bean out of the shoebox beside the trashcan.
"What this, Momma?"
"A jellybean, sweetie."
"Why?" (of course)
"It's candy. Sugar."
"Why?"
"For Easter."
"Why?"
"Uhh, to make people happy."
Points at mouth. "It make me happy, Momma?"
Note to self: take out trash quicker in the future...
http://www.duncanumc.com/documents/05-11-08.pdf
A good reminder not to be a lone ranger, which I've fallen into again over the long, dark winter.
You find all sorts of good things while researching (letter of commendation+medieval) for a book. I hope to hit the 40,000 word mark today, so I better get back to work.
Quick cute-kid tidbit: I was trying to throw away some of the over-abundance of Easter candy, but Jett found it before the trash went out. He pulled a jelly bean out of the shoebox beside the trashcan.
"What this, Momma?"
"A jellybean, sweetie."
"Why?" (of course)
"It's candy. Sugar."
"Why?"
"For Easter."
"Why?"
"Uhh, to make people happy."
Points at mouth. "It make me happy, Momma?"
Note to self: take out trash quicker in the future...
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Yes or No
I understand it's a fallen world,
A broken thing not yet healed,
But we either contribute further fracture
Or anticipate fulfilment revealed.
"God wishes happiness for us."
Yes, but of a different sort.
Eternal joy in His presence.
Our time here is but short.
Here we might be called upon
To plow a rocky field.
Hand kept firmly to the task,
Purpose kept concealed.
We might be called to walk around
By others thought a fool.
But someday, the gates will fall
And all will know His rule.
We might be called to pick up a cross
And with heavy steps follow Him.
Christian life is a committment
Not a passing whim.
A broken thing not yet healed,
But we either contribute further fracture
Or anticipate fulfilment revealed.
"God wishes happiness for us."
Yes, but of a different sort.
Eternal joy in His presence.
Our time here is but short.
Here we might be called upon
To plow a rocky field.
Hand kept firmly to the task,
Purpose kept concealed.
We might be called to walk around
By others thought a fool.
But someday, the gates will fall
And all will know His rule.
We might be called to pick up a cross
And with heavy steps follow Him.
Christian life is a committment
Not a passing whim.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
ooops
"Mr. Lizard" laid an egg. Pictures and more to come when I don't feel quite so overwhelmed and exhausted. Two weeks till spring break. I think I can; I think I can...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Forty Days for Life!
Tomorrow marks the beginning of 2009's spring Forty Days for Life campaign.
Forty Days for Life started in Bryan/ College Station four years ago. Since then, it has expanded into an international, ecumenical movement that has saved the lives of at least 1128 babies. The purposes are to be a peaceful, prayerful presence at abortion clinics--to let women know that there are people who want to help them and their unborn babies--and to pray and fast for the intention of ending abortion.
Today's verse is:
"If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and forgive their sin and heal their land." -- 2 Chronicles 7:14
To participate, go to http://40daysforlife.com/getinvolved.cfm, and sign up to receive the daily emails. Each will have a specific intention for the day, a wonderful devotional, and updates about what God is doing through our efforts. Please pray to end abortion.
Forty Days for Life started in Bryan/ College Station four years ago. Since then, it has expanded into an international, ecumenical movement that has saved the lives of at least 1128 babies. The purposes are to be a peaceful, prayerful presence at abortion clinics--to let women know that there are people who want to help them and their unborn babies--and to pray and fast for the intention of ending abortion.
Today's verse is:
"If My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and forgive their sin and heal their land." -- 2 Chronicles 7:14
To participate, go to http://40daysforlife.com/getinvolved.cfm, and sign up to receive the daily emails. Each will have a specific intention for the day, a wonderful devotional, and updates about what God is doing through our efforts. Please pray to end abortion.
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