Jett is an equal opportunity WHY-er. He'll spend just as much--if not more--time seeking answers from his siblings as he does from Thomas and me. Truthfully, I think it's good for all of them, which makes me question whether the incessant WHY-ing might be good for me as well.
"Read me now, Momma."
"Not right now, Sweetie. In a minute."
"Why?"
Hmmm. Why indeed. It's not like I don't know how wonderful it is that my two-year old wants me to read to him. It's not like my cup of coffee and email-checking needed to be done right that minute (well, the coffee thing is debatable). Why are my priorities what they are, and what should they be?
Why don't I want to hop to obey every whim of my children and would it be in their best interest if I did? Where is the line between caring for them and caring for myself so that I can better care for them?
Man, last night was an example. I was already down because the short story I (had hoped I) had written was not accessible enough to my target audience. I had been so excited to get the critique of my writers' group, fix any errors I missed, and send it off--my first submission for publication consideration--but then the fears lurking in the back of my mind were confirmed. It wasn't good enough.
I have a healthy self esteem--pride is the sin I struggle with the most--but I am hopeless when it comes to dealing with what other people think of me, so I was (devastated, crushed, (how do you do that strike-through thing to make a joke out of the words you didn't use?)) disappointed that my effort was not met with (-standing ovations-, -showers of roses-,) approval.
Anyway, I was already disappointed and then Emberlyn thwarted my efforts to get some much needed sleep. At 12:30, she claimed my attention needed to be focused on meeting her needs, not my own. I was not best pleased. In fact, I think I remember telling her I didn't want to deal with it.
Luckily, she hasn't learned the word WHY.
"To him that knoweth to do good and doeth it not, to him it is sin." James 4:17.
So, yes, I read to the two-year old and soothed the fussy eight-and-a-half month old, even though it was not my will. But what about Romans 12:8c: "if you do works of mercy, let it be because you enjoy doing them."
I am not enjoying my assigned tasks. I am quite tired of dying to self. I want to be an admired, published author, not the exhausted, discouraged (no-identity-but-)mommy who had to change a stinky diaper, refill a cuppie, referee a fight over a blanket, and clean a spill during the course of writing a blog.
Why, Lord, Why?
Why can't I always get what I want?
How do I conform my will? Grace? Ask, and ye shall receive? Just keep doing the walking and wait for the will to catch up? Bear the cross of accepting it might not?
Am I supposed to accept that writing is not something I can do right now because of my other responsibilities? Is it vanity that I think I should be writing? That I desperately want to be writing?
Or is the answer that I'm not supposed to be doing so many works of mercy right now? Am I supposed to let others be disappointed that I cannot always hop to meet a need that I see?
I am quite sure that I would have benefited from being disappointed more earlier in life. I did not start learning the lesson that things didn't always go my way no matter how much effort I put into it until college (Latin 1300, to be exact), so I still struggle with accepting that there are things I can't do. I think it's good for my children not to always get what they want.
I also think that I do need something that is mine. A refilling so that I am able to continue pouring myself out. I am also grateful for the example of a friend: that a quiet time with God is something that is we are built for and are unfulfilled without. I think I'll start making that a priority, and see if everything else doesn't fall into place. There! A commitment to put on my own breathing mask before assisting others.
I'm also going to go make a fresh cup of coffee and finish checking my email.
Why? Because Jett is busy asking Kayleigh "WHY?"
2 comments:
Sweet friend, I DID and DO love your short story. I think for some audiences, it would meet rave reviews, and it should. It is THAT good.
As for why and when and how much, if you get those answers, you will become rich from that one book alone. Moms ask it all the time, especially moms who take their jobs very seriously as you do. My children are 8 and 11, and I'm still asking.
And, no, it doesn't hurt for our chidlren to ask why. I remember rushing the children out the door one day to go grocery shopping, and Anna looked at me and asked, "Why are we in such a hurry? Will we be late for grocery shopping?" Thankfully, the Lord brings that back to me regularly so I slow down and wonder why I am doing what I am doing and is it THAT necessary, and is it worth being frantic over.
And you are right. Time with the Lord helps put everything else in perspective. Jesus only did what he saw and heard the Father do. If only I could see and hear more clearly... And do I really want to know why I don't?
Very insightful blog. I too need reminding about my priorities. I often find I am sulking about not getting me time. Over the past 5 years God has had a way of beating it out of me. It is amazing how I am still maturing at the age of 27. Oh and it is no secret you are very talented -applause.
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